There’s an an amnesia that occurs when you first wake up that happens to everybody, yet we never talk about it. After someone dies, I’m sure this is what we notice the most, but it happens every day. You wake up. Things seem ok. Then your life starts to pour back to you “Oh my gosh, he’s dead. He’s gone, he’ll never be back.” It happens all the time, every morning.
With alcoholics it’s pronounced. You wake up, you are innocent. All of a sudden the memories come back to you. Last night, oh my God, I drank. Heaven help me, what did I say. What did I do?
It’s inevitable. This amnesia. I think it occurs to protect us from ourselves. Granted, I’m not drinking, it’s been a while since I worried about what I did the night before, but still it floods back…yes, my daughter isn’t speaking to me. Yes, my son is angry with me. I wish it were not so. I’m grateful for the moments I forget. Why is this necessary? I do not know, but I know it’s a way to perform my reentry into the world, and I do have a lot I regret, but I am grateful for all the bad things, all the horrible things, who have made me into the person I am today. I forgive myself….but I have to forgive myself daily, after I’ve awoken, after I have remembered. And that’s ok…..because I’m stronger. Every day I’m stronger and better. So, yes, I hate that stuff, but I have deep gratitude. Thank you Jesus.