I think one of my biggest frustrations is that what people get from me isn’t what I intend. I know there’s something different about me. When I was a child I was painfully shy. I was scared when I went into new situations and met new people. I think I was rather serious as a kid. Stoic. Hard to relate to others. It has haunted me my entire life.
I go into social situations nervously. I try to smile. My seventh grade English teacher told me I always looked somber. When I worked at Harris Teeter, they wrote ‘smile more’ on my evaluations. I felt like I was trying to smile all the time.
When I owned Curves, I heard often that people thought I was unfriendly. It’s not unfriendliness…..it’s fear. It’s not knowing what to say. It’s feeling like a misfit.
The parties I’ve been to where there’s drinking and everybody is having a great time and I’m standing by myself feeling horrible, trying to look comfortable, knowing I don’t, and praying for the night to be over.
Going to church week after week, standing in the lobby, alone, watching people talk to one another and wondering how they do it, what they talk about, how they make friends. Wondering why nobody is talking to me….is it my face? Am I crazy? Do I look insane? What’s wrong with me? I can’t wait to get out of here, I can’t wait to get to the safety of my car. I can’t do that again.
Even in AA, it’s been hard for me. I have such a hard time sharing. I feel like the things I say are stupid. I judge myself. I judge myself harshly. So I go to meetings and sit quietly because I have nothing intelligible to contribute. And I seem unfriendly.
I was struck once again by the theme of relationship in “The Shack,” the movie that I watched this past weekend. Relationship. God is in a loving, harmonious relationship within the persons of the Trinity. God wants relationship with me. And I guess he wants me to have it with other people. Trust is hard for me though, and I do keep trying. I do. In fact, next Sunday I’m trying out a new church. Bleck!
I’m very fortunate, very blessed to have a husband who thinks I hung the moon. He doesn’t see the weirdness…..or what he does see, he finds attractive….we get each other. It’s amazing, and wonderful… It restores my faith in the power of relationship. I know….deep down, that God sent this man into my life to help heal my heart. And I’m grateful and glad.