I laid out a lot of negative things regarding my ex-husband, and I want to be super clear about what my part was in all of this. Because I do think someday my kids might be interested to know, and I owe them my honesty.
The substance abuse I have spoken of was something that happened off and on for a very long time. I think that might be the worst part. Because it’s something that can be arrested.
I attended meetings off and on over the years….AA meetings. When I was attending them, I stayed sober. The one thing I’ve learned about myself is that I don’t want to be in a culture of drinking. I can’t hang around people who drink. It’s just not something I’m able to do.
I wasn’t there for my kids. I let them down in so many ways over and over. Every time I made a bad decision. It had to have impacted them. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them.
I think it was the depression that caused me to sleep so much. I slept so much. I didn’t take care of the children the way I should. I wasn’t nurturing. I wasn’t reliable. Not at the end of it.
I didn’t clean or cook at the end of my marriage . I didn’t take care of my responsibilities.
I spent a lot of money we didn’t have near the end. I didn’t always spend money that way, but near the end I did.
Those are the things I did. Unplugging from life. Abdicating. Giving up. I wish it hadn’t happened that way for a lot of reasons. I’ve paid a high price for it.
Some things you can’t make amends for. Sometimes you hurt people more than you realize. At the time I didn’t realize it. I do now.
Dr. Phil says that a person can’t begin to forgive you until they feel that you really GET what you did to them. I believe that’s true. I would hope that my kids would feel my heart and know that I get it to the bottom of my soul. I would love the opportunity to be their parent now to the best of my ability as a healthy, sober woman of God.
I don’t believe it is ever too late.