When I was a young mother, I had a lot of depression which was treated, but as time went on, my symptoms increased, I was misdiagnosed, and when I was diagnosed, my condition didn’t improve.
So, I have 3 children who had a sick mom for most of their lives. But I will say, in all fairness, that for many years I was close to them, did things with them, looked after them well.
Naturally I regret that I wasn’t able to do better by them. I have spent a lot of energy the past few years trying to establish some closeness between us, but to no avail.
My youngest son, Joshua lives with me. The divorce occurred when he was entering puberty. He went from child to teen almost overnight. I remember the night he refused to hug me for the first time.
I do realize teens separate from their parents and think they are lame, while inwardly still loving them. But having the history I’ve had with them has given me insecurity and guilt.
I’ve tried many, many things to woo them back to me. Most of those things pushed them away. But I have hit upon something that I didn’t realize before. Whenever I show up for them, they notice. They might not say it or show it, but over time, showing up again and again, chips away at their hard exterior, and opens them up to show me they at least appreciate the things I do.
Granted, most of this is happening with my youngest. The older two don’t offer much opportunity because they live elsewhere, but I’m optimistic that I will be given a chance over time, if I’m patient.