Yes, it’s true, I get resentments against God. I know I shouldn’t. I know they are misplaced, but when I have discomfort or pain, I can very easily lapse into resenting God for my problems.
Struggling through my boyfriend’s horrible loss of his brother has brought that flame up in my heart from time to time as I’ve walked through this with him. I want to help. I want the pain to go away. I want for it never to have happened. But it happened, and it’s left so many people ravaged with pain. I hate it.
I think in my heart, I have this idea that there is a certain amount of acceptable pain in a person’s life. Every time I get through something or someone I know gets through it, I think ‘that’s it. that’s enough.’ I suppose I think I know better than God.
Pain hurts so much. I hate it. I hate feeling it and I hate witnessing it even worse. So, I do get resentments toward God about it.
I do understand that God is so much bigger than I am, and knows so much more. I’m quite sure what I know isn’t even as big as an atom compared to the universe not even containing the knowledge of God. So, in the end it comes down to trust.
It also comes down to gratitude. I could write a book about the things that should have happened to me but didn’t. Praise God for his protection and care!
In AA a favorite thing for a sponsor to tell their sponsee is to write a gratitude list. If I can’t fill a page up with things to be grateful for, there’s something wrong.
I was reading the story of Jonah today. There is a chapter about how Jonah was angry that God spared Nineveh, and he sat on a hill brooding. God caused a plant to grow and give him shade. He was grateful. Then God sent a worm to kill the plant and Jonah was angry. He sounds entitled to me. But then I realized I get annoyed when the ice maker is putting out the cubes too slowly. That’s a real example from this week. I think I sound a little entitled.
So, I am grateful if I have ice cubes at all. I’m grateful to have shoes that don’t have holes in the soles. I’m grateful to have a nice, big mattress and not have to sleep on a dirt floor. Half the population lives below the poverty line. They have real problems.
I don’t want to minimize the horror of what my boyfriend is going through as well as his family. I’m just trying to grapple with it and have perspective. I’m reaching out to God and asking him to give me some understanding. The answer might not come in this lifetime. I am so grateful; however, that there will be an answer someday.