I’ve written on depression before, and this time is no different. It’s a part of my life I have to deal with.
It starts with just a few negative thoughts. I realize I’m beginning a depression, and I use the ‘tools of the program’ to help. And they do. But the depression gets bigger and deeper and I lose my grip. I’m in a hole and it feels futile to try to get out. At some point I give in and accept my feelings and have to wait for it to pass.
Thankfully, over the years I’ve learned that it does pass. But it takes a while.
I will say that I thought that moving on with my life
In the meantime my thinking is negative and my chest hurt with the pain of it all. I wonder if I live in denial the times I’m not depressed. Maybe this is reality. But I fight that inclination.
Depression isn’t just mental or spiritual, it’s physical too. I don’t go to the doctor because first, I’m afraid there is no help. Second, I know it will pass. I am not sure a pill can help with this.
I’ve read a lot about people who have had this condition. I’m fortunate that I have the ‘rapid-cycling’ kind of bipolar which means this depression doesn’t go on for months at a time.
I do wonder if it’s fair to bring a person into this. The old tapes play in my head about how it’s all my fault and how the other person tried ‘everything’ to get me out of it. But there’s no getting out of it. There is acceptance.
When I’m low like that,, I don’t have any ideas of anything simple to do like take a walk, clean the bathroom, read a book. Those things seem like trying to lift a thousand pound dumbbell.
The blessing is that don’t have the inclination to take a drink or a drug. I know those are temporary lifts that don’t lead to a permanent better mood, only a crash following their use to an even lower place. And I do go to meetings.
My mood is better and I have more ideas, so I’m entering into a more jovial phase and I hope to capitalize on it by writing more.