I think because I have bipolar illness, I am prone to make poor decisions. It’s as if I don’t have the same filter everybody else has.
So, I desire and crave bad decisions at times. It’s hard. I’m not saying I have it worse than everybody else, I’m just saying that it’s too easy for me to make the wrong choice because it ‘feels’ right, even in the short term.
In the past few years I started to work harder on doing the things that will enable me to make the right choices. I read the bible a lot. I read other books. I try to immerse myself in good things, to keep my focus in the right place.
AA meetings are important, and I’ll admit I don’t go enough, and I would probably do better if I did.
My memory isn’t great. I write things down, and highlight passages, but they escape me, I just sort of depend on learning something this day. It’s kind of like manna. Depending on God for my daily bread. Putting on the armor of Christ.
I don’t have my heart in it all the time, but I realized while reading Tim Keller’s ‘Prayer’ that I wouldn’t have an inkling to pray or read if it wasn’t for God. Romans 3:11 says
11 There is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God.
So…even if I don’t want to seek Him, God will put it in me to seek Him. If I am seeking Him, it is evidence that God is working in me.
So, I might be dragging my feet, or not feeling it (mostly I don’t), but He loves me enough to put it in me to seek Him.
The Holy Bible: Holman Christian standard version. (2009). (Ro 3:11). Nashville: Holman Bible Publishers.