This is a post on gratitude, believe it or not.
I have had an emotional couple of days. I’m going through a divorce, and that’s all wretched, I wouldn’t recommend it to anybody…..and then I have had some relational stuff.
My sponsor said to make a gratitude list, so I jotted down some thoughts. The usual, I’m alive, I’m breathing…blah blah blah. Words filling up a page but not in my heart.
Then I was contacted by someone who is having trouble with her daughter. She’s not in communication with her and it’s killing her. I see this happening and I realize that I’m in the same kind of boat.
It has made me realize some things:
Even though I have a minimal relationship with my daughter, the fact is that I was a good mom for a long time. I adored her and I pampered her and I did my best and I enjoyed it. We can pick apart what happened, but I knew her, I loved her and I gave myself to her.
I can remember lying in bed with her night after night trying to cuddle her enough! There is no enough for her. Or there wasn’t then. But I remember how good is felt to hold her and how good it felt that I was giving her what I thought she needed. It was almost glorious.
I don’t have that now. The way daughters function changes, it would never have remained. I knew it then and I knew it now, but I remember how it felt and I enjoy remembering how it felt, and I hope she does too.
I’ve figured out a few things about having a daughter who doesn’t care for attention. They don’t want attention. QUIT TRYING! At some point I thought if I kept reaching out, she would realize. But the truth is, that she wanted me to quit trying. So, I did. And it’s hard. It’s not easy. I can sure lambaste myself about what kind of parent I am, but DOING THINGS DOESN’T WORK.
It is very clear when you watch it being played out in someone else’s life.
Sometimes God just wants you to let go and let HIM do the work. So, I try, Lord I do try.
Isn’t it amazing that a person from my past is going through this very thing, and we have not kept in touch over the years, we were never great friends, but now God helped us to find each other.
The thing I most learned is that Christian women do not have the gifts AA women do in terms of fellowship. In AA, it’s all about finding support. Reaching out to others. Get a sponsor, listen to suggestions. Regular women don’t have the same architecture, and it’s too bad because Christian women need each other. It’s not easy being a Christian woman. Especially if you have problems.
I shared with her, the things I hear in the rooms of the fellowship. I listened to her. It helped me.
So, I hope in some way I conveyed some truth tonight, but also a new look at gratitude. We need each other.