Rejection

This is a post on gratitude, believe it or not.

I have had an emotional couple of days. I’m going through a divorce, and that’s all wretched, I wouldn’t recommend it to anybody…..and then I have had some relational stuff.

My sponsor said to make a gratitude list, so I jotted down some thoughts. The usual, I’m alive, I’m breathing…blah blah blah. Words filling up a page but not in my heart.

Then I was contacted by someone who is having trouble with her daughter. She’s not in communication with her and it’s killing her. I see this happening and I realize that I’m in the same kind of boat.

It has made me realize some things:

Even though I have a minimal relationship with my daughter, the fact is that I was a good mom for a long time. I adored her and I pampered her and I did my best and I enjoyed it. We can pick apart what happened, but I knew her, I loved her and I gave myself to her.

I can remember lying in bed with her night after night trying to cuddle her enough! There is no enough for her. Or there wasn’t then. But I remember how  good is felt to hold her and how good it felt that I was giving her what I thought she needed. It was almost glorious.

I don’t have that now. The way daughters function changes,  it would never have remained. I knew it then and I knew it now, but I remember how it felt and I enjoy remembering how it felt, and I hope she does too.

I’ve figured out a few things about having a daughter who doesn’t care for attention. They don’t want attention. QUIT TRYING! At some point I thought if I kept reaching out, she would  realize. But the truth is, that she wanted me to quit trying. So, I did. And it’s hard. It’s not easy. I can sure lambaste myself about what kind of parent I am, but DOING THINGS DOESN’T WORK.

It is very clear when you watch it being played out in someone else’s life.

Sometimes God just wants you to let go and let HIM do the work. So, I try, Lord I do try.

Isn’t it amazing that a person from my past is going through this very thing, and we have not kept in touch over the years, we were never great friends, but now God helped us to find each other.

The thing I most learned is that Christian women do not have the gifts AA women do in terms of fellowship. In AA, it’s all about finding support. Reaching out to others. Get a sponsor, listen to suggestions. Regular women don’t have the same architecture, and it’s too bad because Christian women need each other. It’s not easy being a Christian woman. Especially if you have problems.

I shared with her, the things I hear in the rooms of the fellowship. I listened to her. It helped me.

So, I hope in some way I conveyed some truth tonight, but also a new look at gratitude. We need each other.

Rejection

Grace

I’m reading Lee Strobel’s new book on Grace. I give a reveal from one of the chapters, so if you don’t want to know what it says, don’t read this post.

I was a bit put off when I started it because it is tales of people who were examples of God’s grace. I don’t know why it bothered me, but having read a few stories, I am blown away.

Lee Strobel is a Christian author whose niche is in investigating the claims of Christianity as a newspaper reporter would. I always liked that idea! He’s conversational in style, and it’s very readable. I’ve read several of his books

I was at the hairdresser, my head under one of those blowers, and I was reading this story and crying. I don’t cry at books very often, and I NEVER want to cry in front of the hairdresser, but it got to me.

Anyway this book is called ‘The Case for Grace.‘ Chapter 2 is the story of a Korean girl who was given up by her mother, lost, hungry, sick, wandering, abused, hurt. Just all kinds of suffering. But then she was adopted by some people. Only she thought she was taken as a servant. The big moment, the ‘big reveal’ was when she realized she wasn’t a servant, she was a daughter!

Guess what? I am a daughter! I have been rejected, abused and lost, and I think I now think I’m a servant for all the wondering I do about what God wants me to do. But I’m a daughter! Just like I am.

So, I’ve been a Christian a long time and I know that. If you ask me I know it. But I doubt, and I have to have that moment again where I commit to the truth and say ‘I am Your Daughter.’

Makes me cry all over again 🙂

Grace

Naturally Seeking God

I think because I have bipolar illness, I am prone to make poor decisions. It’s as if I don’t have the same filter everybody else has.

So, I desire and crave bad decisions at times. It’s hard. I’m not saying I have it worse than everybody else, I’m just saying that it’s too easy for me to make the wrong choice because it ‘feels’ right, even in the short term.

In the past few years I started to work harder on doing the things that will enable me to make the right choices. I read the bible a lot. I read other books. I try to immerse myself in good things, to keep my focus in the right place.

AA meetings are important, and I’ll admit I don’t go enough, and I would probably do better if I did.

My memory isn’t great. I write things down, and highlight passages, but they escape me, I just sort of depend on learning something this day. It’s kind of like manna. Depending on God for my daily bread. Putting on the armor of Christ.

I don’t have my heart in it all the time, but I realized while reading Tim Keller’s ‘Prayer’ that I wouldn’t have an inkling to pray or read if it wasn’t for God. Romans 3:11 says

11 There is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God.

So…even if I don’t want to seek Him, God will put it in me to seek Him. If I am seeking Him, it is evidence that God is working in me.

So, I might be dragging my feet, or not feeling it (mostly I don’t), but He loves me enough to put it in me to seek Him.
The Holy Bible: Holman Christian standard version. (2009). (Ro 3:11). Nashville: Holman Bible Publishers.

Naturally Seeking God

Screwtape Letters

I never finished ‘The Screwtape Letters’ by C.S. Lewis, although I worked through it a long time ago. I picked it up again lately, and I have learned so much in just the 4 ‘letters’ I’ve read so far.

The thing of it is that we are good at playing games with ourselves, and the idea is that Satan and his minions, demons and so on, are aware of our weaknesses and they conspire to use them against us.

In AA, it’s called ‘looking for the motive under the motive.’

For example, if I was to pray for someone I am mad at, that they would be kinder. I’m focusing on myself, aren’t I? What do I want?

Maybe she needs prayer for her health. I don’t pray for that because it doesn’t affect me. That makes me feel like a less kind person. Now I need to pray for kindness.

Sometimes things go full circle.

Screwtape Letters

First Adam

I haven’t written much about my marriage, and that might be odd since I’ve been going through this horrible divorce for so long. Surely so much of what I feel, and who I have been the past few years is related to my marriage. But I don’t want to be unfair.

I hope I have accepted responsibility for myself. Regardless of him. But it was all intertwined. I have an illness, bipolar, and I have a disease, addiction. So, I’m a pretty bad bet.

I’m not going to list his faults or issues. I’m just going to say that he fell short. He was the first Adam.

Jesus is the second, and he is the perfect husband. He gets my issues, he challenges me to reach higher….to be perfect as He is perfect. I love him, and he loves me, and he wont’ allow me to continue in sin, but he will help me to achieve obedience and righteousness.

If I had to say now, whether or not I will marry again. I say no. I have the perfect husband.

First Adam

The Pain Within

Not always, but mostly, when I go to bed at night, my mind starts to whir. It starts with a single thought: ‘you don’t cut it.’ It swings back and forth annotating my thoughts with forceful examples of the failures in my life and relationships.

It is physically painful. The pain is in my chest and it is in hot waves that move back and forth. Or it is up my lats, wavering pain.

It’s not really even true, the things that upset me. I think ‘relationship’ and I feel a hole in my gut.  I think ‘my children,’ and my heart sinks. I think ‘my family,’ and I feel hurt and pain. It’s really a time that I feel pain and think connections.

I fight it. I pray. I try to assert truths into my thought paths. That takes energy; though, and when I’m trying to sleep, it makes me more awake and less restful, so I surrender and believe that if I just let go of my thoughts and accept the pain, I will sleep.

And I do. It’s not a fun way to experience falling asleep. My psychiatrist gave me a pill, and I’m the queen of pill, but this one didn’t eliminate the pain, and made me a miserable-feeling grogginess when I woke up, even when I halved the doses.

I was on a sleeping pill before that worked, but it was a narcotic. I love narcotics, but they aren’t good for me.

That’s the famous how-Missy-sleeps episode of my life.

The Pain Within