Admitting It

When I started working after college, I didn’t have many skills. Just getting a business degree doesn’t really give you very intuitive tools to perform in the workplace. That is, I did not have the tools, or a direction. I got the job I could get, which was a decent job that enabled me to live on my own and own a car.

As time went on, my interests changed, and I ended up in computer programming. I learned a lot in a small amount of time, and I like it. It didn’t come easy, but I worked at it.

Having kids threw me off a bit, but I continued on. Getting pregnant with Joshie wasn’t quite in the plans, and it did overwhelm me, but I think a lot of what overwhelmed me was the mood disorder flaring up with each of my pregnancies.

I started having trouble. I wasn’t being treated for bipolar illness. The job became more demanding. It wasn’t unreasonably demanding.

Scott went into kidney failure. My sister’s husband committed suicide. I wasn’t performing well at work.

When I look back, the best thing I could have done is to just throw out the white flag. “Supervisor,” I could have said, “I need help. I need training, I know I’m not performing well.”

I didn’t know how to ask or explain. I didn’t understand what was going on with me emotionally, and I had a lot of stress, but I think I became stoic and stubborn and defiant when speaking with her. Prideful I suppose. Scared.

Things at home were bad. Just from my point of view, I think if I could have lowered my defenses and been more open and vulnerable, it might have been easier for the people around me to help me.

If I went back to that situation today, perhaps it wasn’t the way I think it was today. But I have found that vulnerability, openness and honesty can disarm a person.

Admitting It

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