Darkness

I’m in the midst of a depression. It started at the end of last week. It kept me up at night worrying, fretting, remembering all of the horrible things in life. It has perpetuated through today.

Everybody in life has things to be upset about or depressed about. I don’t even have as much as a lot of people, maybe most. That doesn’t seem to matter.

I have a lot of techniques to employ when I am depressed. It helps very little. My depression feels chemical in a way…hormonal….a chemistry in my body that has nothing to do with reality. I have no interest in things that fascinated the day before. I become aimless.

On the other hand, things have been horrible for a long time. It does wear on me.

I have done a lot of work on myself, but doing a lot does not result in better relationships. That is disheartening. I have to live with it. It isn’t ok, and I suppose it could take decades. Maybe until I get to heaven.

Life isn’t all about being happy. That is something I have learned. I’d like to have contentment. Not being comfortable. Growing in Christ is not a comfortable process. It could be, but it has been my experience that it is not. Even in a dungeon you can have a sense of well-being.

Christ died for our sins. He, being without sin, overcame death so that every person might have abundant life in him.

So why do I get depressed? Why do I struggle with the same sins I have had my entire life? That should get better.

Paul said that he rejoices in suffering, because by his weakness, he is strong. It is Christ in him that is strong. He has the opportunity to be weak and watch what Christ does in that weakness.

I get that and I believe it, but actually I seem to have a lack of it being manifest in my life.

I understand that we have faith and God does the work. I pray all of the time, but it doesn’t seem to amount to anything. I don’t want to live a defeated life.

I have always said that when you commit sin you will pay for it. Pay for all of it. Every bit. That is just not true though. Christ died for our sins. He pinned them to the cross forever. That means we are not going to be punished for them. We don’t have that consequence.

That gives me a modicum of hope, that the situations in my life that are painful might be healed.

Darkness

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