I am totally socially awkward. I know I see myself differently than others. Certainly I have been hurt in social situations due to not being able to share appropriately, appear inviting, have healthy boundaries, fear….I suppose that’s not a comprehensive list.
I have the problem of wanting to be understood immediately when I have a disagreement with someone. I can’t let it go. Maybe that’s too absolute. There are times when I can’t let it go. If I feel I am misunderstood. When that happens, I get tightness in my chest. An urge in myself to resolve it. I don’t back off. People get boxed in to the point where they end up having to say something really blunt to me. It’s just a misunderstanding of people-hood.
I am not very good at ignoring that urge to make contact. I can’t let things go without being said.Even when I know…and I mean I KNOW I should walk away. Maybe I don’t have enough to do.
I read this, this evening and I totally relate to it:
‘I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.’ Jane Eyre
I know that’s not healthy, but it gives me some solice that I don’t have to have a ton of friends. I don’t have to put myself out there. I am socially awkward and I have social anxiety. That is what I am right now. I tried for a long time to be more outgoing…ignoring what is just fundamentally a part of me.
Can this change? Probably.
Does this change have to happen today? No.
There is a price to social anxiety. Henry Cloud, in one of his books, spoke of starting to trust in relationships. I wish I could find the exact book now, but you’ll have to take my word for it. The thing of it was, I don’t trust anybody. I have had some longish relationships that have broken off, presumably because of me. I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself, I’m simply am saying that I don’t know that I can have trusting relationships.
Don’t mean to be a downer tonight, it’s just what I’m working on. With misgivings, with pain…yes, it is pain.