Time

A friend’s son died last night. It was a very sudden death. It could not have been foreseen. It reminds me that life is exactly that fragile. It is incomrehensible.

I do think of death a lot. More in the past couple of years. More than people would like. 

So, I long for it and am afraid of it in cycles, like everything. I am sensitive, but everybody goes through this type of thinking…probably less than me.

So I have had this feeling the past couple of years that I haven’t done anything with my life. I don’t amount to much. I have lived in a pit   I have engaged in self destructive and others destructive behaviors.

I won’t go further. I can do the whole self-deprication thing and you know I’m getting past that since I can’t do anything about it now. Except for living better and making better choices. Loving and not being angry and resentful. I’m growing as far as that goes.

So I feel sad and sorry and depressed that I only have a little bit of time left. Not enough. 

That is a lie though. The truth is that I don’t know how long I have, but best case scenario, I have decades. Enough to wear out some furniture. Enough to need 3 or 4 new rugs. Enough to replace my dinnerware a few times. Many sheets and pillows.

I have time to go up and down the coast…I am not supposed to change time zones with my condition, I can explain that if you want…but I can go down to South America. 

I have time to get educated and start working in a skilled field, the one I left to raise my kids. 

I have enough time to get the kids through college and into adulthood. And then I have enough time to see grandchildren born and growing…maybe more. I can’t imagine how wonderful that will be.

That seems like a lot of time.

I have enough time to grow leaps and bounds into the person God intended me to be.

When I was thinking about it earlier, I thought to myself what if all we were given was 30 years on this planet? If we were born and expected to die at age 30, how joyful would we be to live to be 60, 70, 80? We would rejoice!

Sometimes just a little perspective shifts and a whole world opens up to us.

 

Time

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