Sabotage and Sabotage

I sabotage myself in 2 ways. In the first way, I read things in to what other people say to me. I assume the worst. Then I get mad because I think that person had an agenda…which they did. 

I see that people who have shared things with me or confronted me about behaviors or things they are concerned about don’t have a chance. If they, like I said, have an agenda, try to share something with me subtly or gently, and I preceive that, I get upset. If they come right out and say what they are concerned about, I get mad and withdraw. Either way, I’m disengaging.

I have a hard time accepting the negative. Either I take it to heart and run it over and over in my mind with self loathing, or I’m indignant that they would tell me things I don’t agree with and would disengage.

Either way, I end up alone on my couch.

People get upset and I haven’t known why, or I dont’ want to admit why to myself. Not doing anything is just as bad as doing things that are wrong. 

It is about responsibility. If I withdraw into myself, it’s a huge disservice to my kids, and they suffer for it and people rightly take issue with it. I can’t freeze, I’m not invisible, and I have an obligation to put on my big girl pants and be responsible.

I have challenges other people don’t have and I know it’s hard to understand. If I love my kids, I will work 10 times harder just to be the mother they need. 50% of my inaction was inaction due to learned helplessness. 50% was my environment. That’s what I think. Being in a new, warm, nurturing, cooperative environment has given me legs to start to fight for myself. In the past it was overwhelming.

Hope is a powerful emotion. 

Sabotage and Sabotage

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