Before I had children I was anxious about becoming a mother. I was ambivalent. After 4 or 5 years of marriage, I became interested. I started to research being a parent, raising a child. (Isn’t that just typical me?) I became convinced that having children would enrich my life. I believed I could be a good mother. I went into it wanting it.
Being a mom was difficult for me. I had a mood disorder that blossomed with the birth of each child. Hormones and the demands of work and home wreaked havoc on me. I had mood swings, I became less able to function, my productivity decreased.
It was hard. I had to work so much harder than I did before my mood disorder became so acute. As time went on, there was a lot of tension in our home. Before the end of my marriage I was just about unable to get out of bed, I was having a lot of physical symptoms of stress, and the whole family was awry.
I think when you say something when you are young, you grow and change, all of that is predictable. It’s just part of the process.
I have a mood disorder and I’m an addict. These things affected my ability to parent my children and I am deeply grieved over that in addition to wracking guilt. I have wallowed in it for over a year and I’m starting to feel stronger and more stable.
Through prayer and time, I believe I can re-parent my children. They have had it tough for a while, and I’m the scapegoat which is ok, I do hold a lot of responsibility for the turmoil in all of our lives. At the same time, I’m strong enough now to do better and to view these years with a better perspective. If they have problems, they are going to be better able where to go.
I have a resonsibility to get help, be honest and be available to my children. That’s the process I am going through. Yet I believe all parents go through this to some extent or another.
My God is a god of second chances and for that I am truly grateful.