I’ve had reason to reflect this week on something that I’m not sure I have gotten over. A pattern in my life that started in my childhood but has played out quite a few times in adulthood. I think part of what has happened is self-sabotage, and another part is the ‘I knew you didn’t love me.’
I don’t want to get in to the nitty gritty of what happened, but here is how it played out. I made a friend, after a while the friend shunned me and I was never sure why. ‘Shun’ is the right word here.
I had occasion to talk to my former husband about my family’s reaction to him. He sincerely seems puzzled. He has brought it up from time to time. Now I just figure if you have to ask the question, you won’t understand the answer.
What has happened, however, is that I have put a lot of that ‘people against me’ list into a box entitled ‘there is no reason.’
Most people aren’t mean to each other with no reason. There are reasons. I’m not saying I can know the reasons or that I will respond rationally.
A sponsor of mine would always say to try to be open to the fact that you might be wrong. She didn’t say blame yourself for every possible thing. She didn’t say to blame anybody else.
What people choose to share or not share with me is their business. Nobody has to be my friend. Friends usually try to talk to you when they know something is wrong. My job is to be pliable. To not be defensive. If I’m not defensive,that doesn’t mean that I’m totally open and vulnerable. It means I’m listening.
I haven’t trusted anybody for a very long time. I think I know where to find people I can trust implicitly, and I’m starting there. Then, I’ll look at moving further along.