Denial

I am telling me the truth about a lot of things in my life that I didn’t want to see. I am revisiting my life in order to ‘go after the truth’ as Henry Cloud says.

What I’m finding is that I have many things that I didn’t want to face and I dealt with them in different ways. 

One way in particular is to say ‘this didn’t happen.’ If I said it hard enough, then I believed it. I’m talking about very painful things. I can see how I systematically created different memories that I could believe that allowed me to circumvent the pain of the memories. 

It reminds me of the Prince of Tides, a book and movie by Pat Conroy.

The very short version of the movie is that of a Southern family, a dysfunctional family raising 3 children. The father was very abusive. 

When the kids were coming up, one night 2 prison escapees broke into the house. By knifepoint they raped the children and the mother. The mother killed them and buried them in the backyard.

As the children and mother frantically cleaned up all of the blood, the mother said over and over ‘this didn’t happen. this didn’t happen.’ 

Problem is that you can’t suppress those things without consequences.

You can see a clip from the ‘reveal’ scene here.

It allowed me to the shock of my husband to walk into my psychiatrists office after spending a week in the psych ward for being suicidal and tell him I was doing ‘fine.’ 

I’ve been in different situations in which I focused on another person’s problem instead of my own. To focus on minor issues to avoid major ones.

I can’t say I am better at it now, but I’m finding that the fear I’ve had behind dealing with things is worse than if I had just dealt with them. Granted I couldn’t do that when I was 3. Lately I have felt and talked to others about how I’m seeing that my subconscious was more powerful than I have understood in the past. I’m finding that if I seek hard after the truth, it’s not as scary to face these things. I can be discreet. I don’t have to share the worst of everything with everybody. That’s not what God wants. God wants me to be honest with myself and candid with others when my experience can benefit them.

Do I have much to offer? Believe it or not, I think I do. 

Denial

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