I had a really odd dream last that was very detailed and I drew a couple of thoughts out of it that I wanted to put down on paper to consider what the details mean to me, if anything.
I won’t share the whole thing, but it went something like this.
The divorce was going to be final. The invitations had gone out and a lot of time was spent, not by me, to get the grand finale together. It was bigger, much bigger than my wedding was.
I was wearing a black taffeta gown that was cumbersome. It looked like Princess Diana’s wedding gown. I was hot and uncomfortable.
The ceremony started and after a bit, when it got almost to its cescendo I took a knee.
I didn’t say anything, I just lowered myself down as best I could in that dress, and took a knee the way they do in football, and then I got up and went out. As usual, I have done my research and I can show you why that action made sense to me.
On Wikipedia it says:
Taking a knee occurs when the quarterback immediately kneels to the ground, ending the play on contact, after receiving the snap. It is performed especially when the outcome of the game has been well decided, defenses will often give little resistance to the play as a matter of sportsmanship as well as to reduce injury risk on what is a relatively simple play.’
When I woke up, I thought about it and I thought that I had done it because I want to stay married. That’s not really true.
- I regret the end of the life I thought I had and that I was going to have.
I regret that my children have had this experience in their lives right when they are moving into an age where they are going to start forming relationships that might result in their choosing a husband or wife.
- I wish I had someone beside me that I could count on in a direct way.
- I certainly regret the choices I made that were selfish essentially, that affected and ended relationships.
Oh and so on and so on. What I’m trying to get at is that it isn’t a wish to go back to something. There are facets in a situation like this. I can choose to deal with whatever piece I would like, but that’s not always the healthiest thing to do or the right motives or even the correct action in whatever it is I’m dealing with today.
So….it is a wish to extract myself from what is basically a very unpleasant undertaking without continuing to fight it. I want to take my marbles and go home now. It is not joyous to me even if I fully understand and recognize that it is what is best.
I plead no contest. I don’t want to go through the ceremony.