I have spent a lot of time focused on my image. The person I want to portray to the world. That is obvious to me just by the sheer number of times I’ve written about it in one way or the other.
I’m writing about it today because of a happenstance yesterday. I was driving in the car with my dad and a young teenage boy had his pants hanging so low he had to use one of his hands to keep them up.
I want to be different (translate special), but I don’t want to inconvenience myself doing it.
I’ve written before about good eccentric and bad eccentric. I might define it differently than everybody else. The fact is, that I did a lot of things, am doing a lot of things to try to appear a certain way to the world, and that’s just really conceit, and it’s dishonest at the heart of it.
I think when I got sober back in 1988, I was in an invincible sort of mindset. I was living a healthy life. I was working, paying my own way, even doing charity work.
I made choices, and all of those choices led me up to now. Now I am right back to where I was, learning things in a new way.
I realize now that being thin and beautiful and having a career are great, but if there is nothing under that, then there is nothing at all.
I was reading a book by Beth Moore called ‘So Long Insecurity: You Have Been a Bad Friend.” She said something I have been thinking about and that is that people give themselves away by what they say. People who have insecurities around weight will say ‘You aren’t secure? But you are so thin!’ or ‘you have such a good job.’
This season has been a process of stripping those things away. Forget being admired for being skinny, having a big house, having smart kids. What is under all of that? Seething insecurity.
When you go into an AA meeting the first thing they tell you is to shut up, sit down and listen. ‘You are not unique!’
Certainly we are all unique and special to God and perhaps our friends and family. At the same time, we are alike. I haven’t done anything that other people haven’t done. There’s nothing new there. My best shot right now is to identify with the similarities between me and others, and exploit their experiences to enhance my life. And when my life is enhanced, I have something to give back.