Making Changes

This mood disordered person tries to make big sweeping changes every single day and is successful at about 2% of it.

That is to say that I don’t know about other people, I just know from my own experience. 

I have talked about the cravings, the obsessive thoughts, lofty ideas, all of that. I’m just focusing on one thing today and that is my effort to learn to make small incremental changes.

Last year at this time, I could go months without leaving the house. I would leave when I absolutely had to, and it was always a crisis. I couldn’t fill out forms in a doctor’s office or sign a credit card slip because my hands shook so badly.

I can’t say exactly when, but it improved, little by little and I notice today I can go places and I rarely panic the way I used to, and the dread I would feel for days ahead of leaving the house is not there really. 

I am getting out, I’m getting exercise, I’m having good experiences being out and little by little, that has changed.

I did a whole philosophical study of how to make objects move, but it seems a little silly.Things move. What is it that I need to know that will make me move? Get up and go.

 

There are a lot of things that have changed about me since the beginning of time, and the things that have changed in the past year have been some of the best things.

I have spent a lot of serious time in prayer, but until I took a step, nothing changed. I needed energy to just take that step. 

Life is always 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I don’t think you get to a point of being able to hold your beliefs static. Designing strategies to address what appears to be the circular nature of the way things work in my life have seemed to propel me forward a bit at a time.

Little by little, the lies revealed themselves for what they were, I began to see myself in a more honest light, and I began to see that I can change, I am worthy of change and I don’t have to live in fear all the time.

The thing that has increased the most, I believe is my gratitude.

And, for the first time in forever, I’m looking forward to the future with optimism.

Making Changes

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