There are several reasons I am fairly withdrawn from society.
The first is that I have always been shy. Very shy. I believe that’s part of my nature and while it can improve, all of my efforts have not helped me to eliminate it in any meaningful way.
When I was in college, I drank to help me to be more ‘normal.’ And that’s what it was, me wanting to just be normal and talk to other people, to know how to make friends.
Making friends is so hard for me. My mind goes blank and I can’t think of a single thing to say.
When I got my first job out of college, the interviewer spoke with my current employer, a co-owner of my dad’s company. She told him, the potential employer, that I was shy and I would do fine once I was acclimated. She was right and I think if she hadn’t headed him off at the pass, he might not have hired me.
In work situations there are times when I realized my co-workers were aware of my social awkwardness and I felt they reached out and made me feel comfortable. Oh, and when I have been manic, you can’t shut me up.
It has been brought to my attention that I appear unfriendly or even angry sometimes. That bothers me a lot. I’ve been doing some photography to show different expressions and the following was me intently looking at something:
I have to chuckle when I see this because it looks angry. It looks annoyed. It’s not though. It’s being intent.
So, I guess I’m saying that I need to take photos and talk to people and listen. I need to be open to the fact that perhaps what I’m feeling on the inside is apparent to others even more than to myself.