I’m not sure what was going on medically with my brain when I had the kids. I find the whole thing was just very unmanageable for me. Through the whirlwind of the childbearing years, something was messing with my head very seriously and I didn’t know where it came from. I was seeing a psychiatrist, but my mood swings were just off the charts. 

My behaviors became manifested in sort of an obsessive/addicted way. I would latch on to some idea and pursue it vigorously until I didn’t pursue it anymore. I’ll share a couple of pieces of information and not go deeper because some there has to be a boundary.

When Dana was born in February, I was a stay at home mom and Scott was changing jobs for some reason and they assigned him to a route in New York City. At the time, I want to say it was April, Dana was very young and we wanted to stay together and they said they would put us up in a kind of apartment or something more comfortable than a hotel. 

But it wasn’t. We were in New York, me with a 2 year old boy and a 4-5 month old girl and I got around, found a petting zoo and took them there almost every day. I went to the mall and found a store with a train set and Noah would play with the trains.

There was a pool in the hotel which was cramped, and I couldn’t help Noah swim and take care of Dana really, so Scott would swim with Noah in the evenings.

He worked long, long hours. I don’t know if he worked too hard, or was a workaholic, if he did more than he had to or he just wasn’t smart enough to do it in less time, but he was always working very hard, and you know, I believed he was excellent at his line of work and I always stood by him. 

The long hours became difficult for me, especially since he was never really off the job even when he was in the hotel room.

In hindsight, I don’t make a judgment about what I chose to do or what I should have done. It was a difficult thing no matter how I played it.

So, in my hormonal, not-yet-diagnosed crazy self, one day I took Noah to play with the trains and when it was time to go and believe me I hated every minute of sitting in a store letting my son play with a display train. Nevertheless, he protested and began to scream and whatever led up to it I don’t remember, but he screamed in his stroller all the way to the car and in the car all the way to the hotel where I threw everything in the back of the car and left.

I had like $10. No credit card, no checks, just $10 cash and I didn’t even know which way to go. I got through the tolls, got on 95 south and kept going…I suppose at some point Noah stopped crying. It was 2 pm, I drove and drove until I had to change the diapers and get something to eat…Dana nursed, I had enough money to get Noah some chicken nuggets and a drink and I plowed my way home.

I do remember after that, Dana started to cry. 30 minutes before we got home and I just tuned it out and kept going. I was a relief. Isn’t it a relief when you walk into a house and  it smells fresh and cool air refreshes you.

That is my example number one of me doing something very crazy with no medication and not on alcohol or cough medicine or anything. That is the behavior of a woman with bipolar illness.

Second example tomorrow and then I have some interesting articles to share. I sure hope you are reading this far or else you will miss out. Hahahah.

Aside

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