I am surprised at my boldness to admit to such an audience whatever it may be, my predilections. I have had so much fear in my life for so long,, it just doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t have an illusion that my story could help another, although in AA it does.
The thing about AA is that you learn that you are not special. You are like everybody else. You are no better, no worse. You are not unique. You are not the first person with problems like yours and you will never be that unique.
That’s not to say I’m not special. I have a theme in my head about being special. The Queen of England is ruling in spite of her age and despite the fact that her son has waited for decades to assume the role of king. Recently she has ‘partially retired’ by giving Charles more duties. She hasn’t stepped down, And why not?
She wants to be the monarch who served the longest on the throne. She wants to be special.
Isn’t it amazing that a person who is special just for being who she is might not feel she stands out in a particular way? Everybody wants to feel special.
I see it over and over. People who try to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. People who have unique weddings with themes like ‘Star Wars’ or saying their vows while parachuting. People climbing Mount Everest.
Imagine that about Mount Everest. I used to be impressed. Now what i see are people willing to pay $60,000 to climb up a mountain with snow and weather below freezing, needing oxygen tanks that are discarded on the way, passing by dead bodies and reaching the summit only to be so sick in their oxygen deprived brain, they aren’t able to appreciate what significance there is up there. They spend minutes on the summit. You cannot convince me the journey is enjoyable. I cannot see how it could be at all.
But they want to feel special. The first woman to summit, summiting without oxygen, summiting with a missing limb.
It’s all fine and well,, and I could post another gazillion examples, but I think you know what i mean.
So, back to my point. in AA, you aren’t special, you are not unique, you will never be and unless you accept that, you really can’t move forward.
That’s not to say you aren’t special in different ways. My parents think I’m special. I have friends who think I’m special. God thinks I’m special.
I need to be comfortable enough to identify with the other addicts and realize that the thinking and the actions are not unique to me. At the same time, I need to understand who I am as far as God’s creation. Those are two things and they aren’t mutually exclusive.
I will continue my ‘story’ tomorrow but it’s really not the story per se, it’s what i have done with it.