I’m finally on the path to recovery. It is hard to admit, hard to swallow. I tried so hard for this to not be my life and now I’m clinging to it for dear life.
It’s ok because I know it’s the right thing and I have some strength given to me surely from God, but not because I’ve feverishly read His Word and prayed for the past year, but because all of that activity got me ready to welcome this path…to even crave it.
Why is it different now? It’s different because some people become gentle yet probative. I moved enough to let a little light and clarity in. A google search on ‘aa moment of clarity’ reveals a somewhat universal theme of others in the program who had a moment of clarity.
I used to call it a teachable moment. We all go around with our guard up and our personal truth that we try to defend in the wake of competing opinions. So, with my children I would try to recognize a moment when they had their guard down and they would talk to me without guile. Often this was in the car.
For me, it’s been a year of the most intense pain I have ever had. My life experiences left me vulnerable. I felt as if I had been completely dismantled. Much of that was my own fault. Not that it matters.
What matters today is that right this moment I want sobriety. I want to leave the house and I don’t want to feel fear and anxiety all the time.
I’ve been scared to be open because I was hurt over and over and over through the past many years, and I haven’t trusted fully in other people. I knew the answer was in my relationship with God, the ability to trust, the strength and desire to obey.
I don’t know why it was hard for me, but it was and it is.
I’m just seeing that the path is widening. I can add other means of support through the people in my AA group. They are earnest and humble. They are sincere.
I’m not saying nobody else is, I’m just saying that, that is what is in front of me right now. I expect the path will widen further when I’m ready.