Right on the surface of it, I have had a hard time with humility. I believe that is because I relate humiliation with punishment. I fear punishment, especially punishment that is manifested in embarrassment. The embarrassment is a feeling I get when I perceive others are thinking something of me that is true. The kind of truth in this case is usually that I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing.
In other words, I’m sinning and they see it for what it is and try to communicate it in some way.
Maybe it’s something I’m unwilling or that I perceive I am not going to be able to confess and change. That scares me, so I get defensive and a space is created between me and them.
I do that until I just about have no one who is willing to try to help me at all because I don’t seem willing.
So everybody else is to blame but me.
Instead of being responsible for my part, admitting what it is and take action, knowing full well what the right thing is to do, I deny my part, I get defensive and I blame them for hurting me and that gives me justification to repeat the cycle over and over until I am alone with nothing but my sin. I am miserable and scared, but I stubbornly cling to my sin because I have made it worse by not facing it, the knowledge that I’m hurting others and the fear of what might happen if I try and don’t succeed.
I can’t succeed without the admission of what it is and the action of doing what I know is the right thing to do. In this case, it’s going to AA, shut up and listen and be honest not just with others but also with myself.
I have gone a roundabout way this year of trying to get to the place I am now, and I can see the words and phrases I need to arm myself with to have the courage to face all of this.
This is the time to confront myself with the truth and behave in a way that validates my love for others…my children, my family, friends.
It has happened gradually, but I do believe the Lord has answered my prayers exactly the way he needed to, so I could be at this place where I very humbly enter into the place I would like to be.