I have a lot to write about and it’s not necessarily about me, it’s ideas that I have about who I am when you peel back the layers. But I did want to give the two examples of how the bipolar illness may have been awake and affecting me. They are just two little slices of the pie and they are only from my point of view although it is my point of view through my eyes and from other people’s input. So I think they are legitimate and I’m not over exaggerating to prove a point.
This example of small, and I wouldn’t have considered it except for the input from others after the fact.
When Noah and Dana were little, before Josh was born,, I became aware of the Napster program…computer business….I’m not sure what to call it.
The point of Napster was to facilitate the exchange of music. It was a simple computer program written by some kids in college. It was a ‘peer to peer’ file sharing system which very simply allowed a person to share their music and others to download their music for free. It was a huge copyright infringement. It attracted the notice of many high profile entertainers…well I have to laugh, it was Metallica who was one of the first performers to complain and I only say that laughingly because they actually probably really needed the money. That’s horrible, I shouldn’t say that. Everybody should have been outraged.
One caveat. I always thought the music industry lagged well behind the 8 ball on the control and distribution of their music. I doubt entertainers are paid NEARLY enough for their music.
I’m comparing them to books, for example….the industry had a pretty tight grip on file sharing with regard to books. They seemed to anticipate the changes and have a good hold on them. I can’t even cut and paste a paragraph from a Kindle book.
That is a total sidebar….the point is that it was 1998, Napster was in full force, and the government was going to bring down a hammer on them very shortly and with little ambiguity.
So. The smart, intelligent person I was, bought a cd burner, cd’s and stayed up for days at a time downloading as much music as I could from Nina Simone to Madonna. I started with the 1940s and worked my way through each decade remembering as many performers as I could and downloading every song I could think of whether I liked it or not.
It went on for quite a while. I amassed a huge number of cds. Here I was a mother of 2 small children staying up all night downloading songs I didn’t even like because I might never have the change again.
It was insidious. and I promise you, I was under the influence of no chemical whatsoever.
The disturbing part is that I didn’t really evaluate the right or wrongness of what I was doing. Truth be told, I could have been arrested and imprisoned for downloading that music. I knew it wasn’t legal. I don’t know what I thought. It was depravity of character that allowed me to not just think it was somehow ok, but to think it was some kind of windfall, a lottery winning and something I was somehow obligated to collect on.
The moral of the tale today is that me, a person who has bipolar illness can make bad choices. Choices against what hope I have about my character.
My temptation is to create laws for myself that keep me further away from violating God’s law. That would be what the Pharasees did.
I don’t want to invent a whole bunch of ways for me to supersede my predilection for sin. I want to understand sin for what it is, and reject it on the basis of what God says about it and what Scripture says about it. I want to do the right thing because I love God so much that I can’t even see the sin as being something attractive.
The things I’ve done in mania are not always issues of sin or morality, but I do want to be prepared for the issues that are.