Being a Friend

I have been thinking about the friends have made and lost since my diagnosis of bipolar illness. I’m not sure if people are subtle, or if I’m daft, but I often don’t notice what’s going on. It has been offered up to me that I have a lack of self-awareness.

I think the first time I noticed that was when a friend, a roommate, in college confronted me about my drinking. We were conversing, she offered it up that I was having problems with it, and I told her I wasn’t, that I was quite happy, and she listed me at least 3 things I had just told her I was unhappy about.

It has happened in counseling. I was saying that I don’t get encouragement from others, and the therapist pointed out something she said 10 minutes ago.

I have had friends stop calling me or taking my calls. In the past, I have, I guess been confrontational, that is to say I have asked directly, and they deny it, but eventually I realize that I need to let it go.

A friend in passing will talk about how they enjoy dressing up and wearing nice clothing, and in retrospect I realizing she’s trying to tell me something.

I ask a friend to coffee and she says let’s wait until the kids are back in school even though her kids are in college.

I don’t even know how often this happens with other people. I just lack a bit of self-awareness, I do put myself down a lot, I care what people think. i don’t think people are saying good things about me, and I have been told a lot that it’s none of my business what other people think about me.

A lot of what goes on with me is the depressive aspect of my illness. 

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not easy to be friends with me. There are a lot of factors going in to who I am, but at the end of it, I would like friends and I don’t know how to get them and keep them. I know this and want to change it. I’m working to change it.

I guess what I’m asking is ‘will you be my friend?’

Being a Friend

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