Paranoia

So I fractured my ankle at the end of last week. I broke it in December. I’m apparently quite clumsy or it’s because i’m fat, and I would like to think the former, but I’m afraid it’s really the latter.

I think everybody thinks it happened because I’m fat.

This, of course, isn’t true.

At one point I believed my sisters didn’t love me and determined that they were happy when bad things happened to me. I found out later. Which made me rethink everything. Everybody I thought was against me.

I met with the pastors at the church.. It didn’t go my way. I thought they were out to get me.

In my last therapy session with my former husband, after I figured out that my former husband was going to divorce me, the therapist tried to convince me that my former husband cared about me. He didn’t. If the therapist knew everything he said about me or the fact that he never expressed remorse or regret for the things he said to me, maybe I could believe it. But I don’t. I do not.

i dd come to believe my sisters love me and want what’s good for me.

The other day my dad asked me to get my sheets off so they could be washer. I didn’t do it right away. He came in yelling. Throwing things, just very very angry. I thought, well, this is how he feels most of the time, it just slipped out this time. It’s my fault, I know he likes me to do things right away.

He apologized. He gave me many reasons, most of which had to do with me. I said it was my fault. He insisted it wasn’t. In my heart, I believe it was. I’ve lived here a year. This has cost them precious privacy as well as money…they are in retirement, they don’t have money. I’d be mad. I am so so sorry about this. I blame myself. If I wasn’t better, I’d be married still. Things go wrong with my kids, it’s my fault.

There are what they call DivorceCare groups at churches. I can’t go. I am afraid there will be men wanting to find a woman.

PARANOIA!

So don’t be afraid if a person like me doesn’t trust right away. Keep at it. I do want a relationship, a friendship that is, but I’m scared of losing another friend.

I don’t want you to think everybody in the church has to get together for ME. I have a responsibility to become a good friend and someone who can reach out for the less fortunate

Until then:

‘Just think—you don’t need a thing, you’ve got it all! All God’s gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale. And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that.’

Peterson, E. H. (2005). The Message: the Bible in contemporary language (1 Co 1:7–9). Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.

Paranoia

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