People don’t know what they look like

If I get mad at someone, it’s over a boundary issue. If it happens, I feel threatened and scared. What shows is anger It happens most when someone threatens one of my kids.  I didn’t realize that for the longest time. Cultivating a heart of love was my goal last year and I think I went a long way with it. I made amends to people who had no idea what I was talking about. It was for me though. It helped me.

When I was in 7th grade, an English teacher said ‘You always look so somber.’ That statement changed me. I became aware of perhaps looking that way and how  didn’t want to look that way. I didn’t know how, though. As an adult, I have had people tell me that ‘so and so’ said that you don’t say ‘hi’ to them. It surprised me.  I thought I said hi to people. I talked about in therapy. The therapist said that she could poll ten people and get ten answers about my countenance.

Maybe the people who look somber don’t know how to make friends. Socially awkward people. People with phobias. Send them a card. Even an e-card. Maybe they will say thank you. If they don’t, I think they would be blessed. If someone doesn’t appear comfortable or able to make friends, I know it’s difficult to know what to do, but go out of your comfort zone a little and say hi, drop a line, a phone call, an invite for coffee.

I love to be asked for coffee, but 30 minutes before it’s time to go,   I freak out. If you volunteer to pick them up, it’s easier. Just from my point of view.

There is a sense of self that we all are unaware of, as I explained in my last note. Sometimes that lack of awareness is on purpose. Because of fear.

Suicide is a  big deal for people with mental illness. It comes up over and over. I am blessed to be alive today. I know in my heart of hearts that it would devastate in a way I can’t describe. So I dont’ let my mind go that way. instead, I just have a death wish. But I don’t focus on it. I focus on the good things, ‘Whatever things are true, noble, right, and pure, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy, think on these things.’ Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

If someone talks to you about suicide. It’s because they want to be stopped. So do something. Drastic. Nevermind the friendship. It’s the only thing a friend can do. Don’t let someone burden yourself with that. When I feel that  way I do talk about it. I do have friends who have talked me into going the right direction. Thank God.

Every time I spoke with someone about feeling a need to self-harm, it was to someone in AA. The times I shared it with a fellow church-goer, it was pretty much the end of our friendship. In AA, numbers are exchanged regularly and USED. Even just to say ‘I’m ok, how are you?’ We get sponsors, people older in the program than us to help navigate the waters. AA people are honest, but kind. Character defects are dealt with in a gentle way, but they are deal with, to be sure.

AA falls short of the church in a lot of ways, but the ways in which is works, the church would do well to study and implement. We are a patient group, God will deal with us in His own time.

I don’t know what  look like. My former husband was quick to point out how my face appeared to others. I don’t think he was wrong.

Bless us all this day.

People don’t know what they look like

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