I would like you to watch the this YouTube video of Heather Mills talking about her divorce from Paul McCartney. Watch it as if you want to believe that what she says is the truth. Forget her fame, her husband’s fame, anything else you know about her. I don’t think she is mentally ill or a drug addict. She could be. I don’t know.The point of what you are watching is a person getting more and more hysterical trying to get someone to hear them.
That is what I do. I think if I could just have a chance to be heard, people would see things my way. I try and try, becoming ultimately hysterical, crazy and unstable. Without a voice, with nobody understanding. I am left alone with my God.
I know people know the buzz words and the ‘symptoms,’ and I know they do want to help, but they don’t know how and I scare them. Mentally ill people are frightening.
The first time I ever heard a person discriminated against because of a mental illness was actually from a pastor of a church we attended. I don’t know the exact situation, but a woman was raising questions that were uncomfortable. My dad spoke to the pastor about it and the pastor said ‘don’t pay attention to her, she’s on medication.’
It struck me right then that it didn’t seem right, but it is what people think and i see it over and over again. A popular courtroom tv show has a judge that will say ‘are you on medication? are you taking prescription drugs?’ In other words, are you ignorant? Do you ave credibility? It hurts my feelings. It really does.
Over the years many people have told me or alluded to me that medication is not ok to take. It’s either a moral failing, a weakness, a trick by the pharmaceutical companies to make money, not eating the right foods, not taking the right vitamins. I will address that later on.
I have felt greatly misunderstood. I have learned over a long period of time that I’m not going to be able to articulate what I think is true and fair once a person has made up their mind. In general, if I disagree with someone, people not usually side with me. I actually had a Christian woman who I thought was a friend, tell another woman to not let her kids play with mine because I am bipolar.
There were many, many situations like this. The more it happened, the more judged I felt. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I wasn’t effective. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave the house. I didn’t know how to have a conversation. I couldn’t understand people. I became paralyzed.
My home become ruins which exacerbated my feelings of worthlessness. I didn’t take care of myself. My insides became my outsides. I needed saving, desperately.
The result was withdrawal and isolation. Misunderstanding, self-loathing and fear. I spiraled downward and downward. It impacted everybody who loved me in a negative way. My husband left and took the kids.
I think God just reached down and helped to dismantle me and is building me up again. This year I have focused on prayer. I learn about it and I do it. I am more consistent.
I’m in a nurturing environment. I’m with my youngest son. I take him to school every day. He gets food, clothes, shelter and some perks. He has been a balm God has used to sooth me.
I do not feel judged today except for judging myself. For that I use the following:
We demolish arguments and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God, taking every thought captive to obey Christ.
The Holy Bible: Holman Christian standard version. (2009). (2 Co 10:4–6). Nashville: Holman Bible Publishers.
Today is a new chapter, a new day and I do take almost every thought captive and when my mood goes lower, it gets exhausting. I seek hard after Christ. I pray without ceasing. If I have an addiction, at least it should be to gain a relationship with my Creator.
So, yes, I am unstable. That’s what mental illness is. You do not have to go around to all your friends collecting evidence to prove I’m not stable. If you talk to a lot of people and gather a lot of information to prove I’m not stable, what is the next step? What do you want to see happen? What are you going to do? Because I am not stable. I am mentally ill. God has given me an amazing story. Maybe I can share it. Maybe I can come out of hiding a little bit. The body of Christ cannot be my enemy.