Dealing with the Obvious Symptoms

My sister was married to a man who had a sister who was schizophrenic. She lived in a group home. She was pleasant, but very inappropriate. I will never forget the time she talked about  having a pap smear at the dinner table in front of my grandma. You know ‘you never know what they are doing down there after all.’ We rolled our eyes and laughed.

That was a long time ago and I don’t even know if she is still alive. It was ok what she said. It was funny. It was not upsetting because we knew who she was.

If I said that, it would be inappropriate. There’s the rub. I don’t quite know what the line is anymore. It is my observation that some people can say things that I could never say.

As an example., I have noticed that there are two types of eccentric people. Good eccentric and bad eccentric. .

Good eccentric Johnny Depp, Diane Keaton, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Angelina Jolie.

Now the bad eccentric people: David Arquette, Amy Winehouse,  Phil Specter.

For whatever reason, these people are seen this way. It doesn’t really change.

Mentally ill people are, for the most part, bad eccentric. If Angelina Jolie wears all black, she is sleek. If I do, I’m loathsome.

It’s like cowboy hats. Some people can wear them and some people can’t. I can’t.

So, over and over  I try new ideas, new clothing, new personas.  Inevitably I embarrass myself, my former husband and my kids. So, I try to be unnoticed by wearing black, and I am noticed for that. I wish to be invisible.

In a marriage, you are never as vulnerable to anybody else in the universe besides God. There is a trust. An expectation of someone seeing good things in you. It didn’t work that way for me. In trying to be a healthy, independent person, I married someone who expected that. I thought it was what God wanted me to be.

What it turned out to be was someone as damaged as I was. He did not want me to have needs. He wasn’t loving and gentle and affectionate. I thought that was ok, even if i wished it wasn’t so. He had his own issues. Our issues worked against one another to the point where I was unable to even breathe.

If you don’t feel loved and nurtured at home, you begin to court death.

I was made to feel bad eccentric over and over and over. My illness makes me paranoid. My former husband used that paranoia against me by talking to people about my issues, telling me he was talking to people, telling me he wouldn’t tell me who they were, and I would just have to live wit it. I stopped leaving the house. My paranoia said that I was universally disliked, that people wanted bad things for me, and that was my truth. I couldn’t see it any other way. I came to the edge of the cliff.   I almost jumped.

I don’t want to blame my former husband for my own issues. I give examples only to point out how Satan can exploit people’s weaknesses to drive them mad. The relationship, our home and family was under a great oppression for a long time.

Mentally ill people are self-conscious. There are times when it’s appropriate to say ‘you shouldn’t say that.’ There are other times where you just listen and try to be understanding and nurturing, loving environments. They need to be welcomed and cared for in the body of Christ the way the Lord Jesus Christ intended his body to be.

I hope you can see me and talk to me without being afraid. On the inside, I’m a loving and gentle person.

Dealing with the Obvious Symptoms

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