I think there is only one person who reads this thing. At least I hope so.
I write what is true to me, and I write what I would like to see. To see from the church, from AA, from my family, from God. Just because I write it doesn’t make it so.
I have been reading about a drunk who was memorialized in the movie ‘Barfly.’ His name was Charles Bukowski. He was a drunk and a writer. Probably in that order. He drank his whole life. In fact, from time to time you’ll see the quote
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
Whether there were interventions or therapists or even one AA meeting, I think he would want you to believe not. If you haven’t seen Barfly, I can recommend it highly just in the sense of being well performed and providing a lot of food for thought.
The relevance to me is that I wonder who I am. Am I the Missy who hasn’t had life experience, the drinking, the illness, all of it. Would I be a different Missy if I had a PhD or had 10 children or lived in L.A..?
Is the true me a person of age 25 or 46, or am I not me yet because I’m really the Missy I will be at 50? And who are you? If you write a book, traveled the world or lived in India would you be a different person? Are you a better person because of your accomplishments or in spite of them?
If a person has a brain tumor does that ruin who you are? Are you your brain? Drinking physically changes your brain and behavior, does it destroy the real you? If you go to heaven brain damaged, even as a result of your choices, is that who you are?
We die, we say we go to heaven. Who will we be there? Good children? Self-assured 55 year olds? Who are we if we don’t sin? When my grandfather died, not 30 seconds later, my grandmother said ‘where is he right now?’
I judge other people. Sometimes my judgment is to not judge.
I feel better about myself when I’m doing things that make me healthy. I work on improving things. Change is difficult. We could all have a little more grace around us. We don’t know other people, their talents and their limitations. A person said to me one time, ‘I would change places with you if I could.’ I wondered if she thought she’d do better than me.Yes I judge others. I don’t know what kind of hell they are in. God help me.